Author Archives: alumninewsletter

I think I figured out how to raise any downtrodden celebrity’s self esteem

With Amy Winehouse’s recent death I’ve noticed a trend among people in general. After a celebrity dies young some maliciously minded people will crack jokes in poor taste, some people with perspective on the situation will crack more appropriate jokes, and some people will react poorly to both of those kinds of people and declare them the scum of the earth for mocking the dead. The same thing happened with Ryan Dunn a few months ago, and I’m sure the same thing will happen when Lindsay Lohan inevitably wastes the rest of the goodwill she has left from Mean Girls and gets stabbed by someone who’s tired of her wasting what little money california has left with her nonsense. But anyway, why not use this to celebrities advantage? The outpouring of love and support for dead celebrities is absurd when compared to the way they led their life. So here you go, celebrities who are in the process of falling or have completely fallen out of the spotlight, I have a solution.

Step 1: Find a high traffic celebrity based blog. Any will do. Admittedly I’d prefer if you didn’t use Perez Hilton because that dude just might be the antichrist.

Step 2: Report your death to that site. Make sure that you die in a way that will generate a solid debate about whether or not you brought it on yourself (Just die from drugs, they seem to be the most polarizing way)

Step 3: Make sure that as many of the reports of your death as possible include jokes in poor taste. (like “Gary Busey died today, the last time he was seen he was reported as saying “This is the first time in a long time I’ve been afraid of drugs, but with Amy Winehouse gone someone has to do all of them”)

Step 4: Wait. Preferably in your house so you aren’t wandering around while the internet is abuzz with news of your death. People will flock to your defense or to your fresh (inaccurate) corpse to make jokes because they’re bad people. Regardless, you gain attention, which is all you really need in this world as a celebrity. Attention breeds success.

Step 5: Correct the mistaken reports in a way that suggests that you’re hurt and offended by the rumors of your demise. (Look up Bill Cosby’s response to the rumors of his death. At this point that guy is essentially a professional death denier <–Thats a weird looking word)

Step 6: Enjoy the massive influx of movie roles, public appearances, and fragrance lines.

If you have any interest in reading a less satirical and considerably more touching analysis of Amy Winehouse's death, check out Russell Brand's blog, it is a touching tribute to the woman he knew and loved coupled with a realistic analysis of drug addiction, and I think more people should read it:


4 Commercials and the reasoning behind my irrational hatred for them.

I hope that this won’t devolve into a hate filled rant towards commercials, I promise I’ll do my best to avoid that. But regardless of how this post unfolds, commercials suck. The reasoning behind them is understandable, but I sincerely doubt anyone would confess feeling an overwhelming satisfaction whenever their favorite show breaks for commercial. (The lone exception seems to be those people who watch the Super Bowl “just for the commercials”. But that’s nonsense, if you’re doing that why are you even watching the super bowl? Go read a book, dummy.) I’m not an avid television watcher, I only follow one show obsessively enough to watch every new episode when it airs on T.V. (That show being Sons of Anarchy) but I consistently have it playing in the background while I’m puttering around on my computer or failing to complete crossword puzzles and there are certain commercials that, even at my least attentive point, prompt a twitch of rage. Here they are in no particular order.

Continue reading

Chairman Yao vs. Freaky Deeky Mutombo. How the hall of fame hype train is distorting reality.

Fair Warning, this is a really long article, if you don’t care about basketball you won’t enjoy it at all. Luckily, theres a convenient youtube video that essentially sums up everything I’m about to say.

Yes, Yao hatched from a basketball egg and flew a rocket around Houston to celebrate getting drafted number 1. Afterwards he was presented with his game jersey by David Stern, who at the time looked like a Goomba from Mario. Now Yao is enjoying his retirement riding a shark around the Pacific Ocean.

Anyway, Yao Ming made his retirement official last wednesday in Shanghai, announcing the conclusion of his career surrounded by his family. For those of you who don’t care about the NBA, Yao entered the league during the 2002-2003 season after being drafted number 1 by the Houston Rockets. He was the first international player to be drafted number one in the NBA draft, although that fact is a bit dubious because the only way the Chinese Basketball Association would allow Yao to enter the NBA was if he had been selected with the number one overall pick. Yao’s legacy is one that is a bit muddled, given that his impact on basketball off the court has surpassed his on court accomplishments to the point that the two have become intrinsically linked in the minds of several NBA analysts. But what is Yao’s legacy, and how does it really compare to another prominent international big man known more for his work off the court than his game on it?

Continue reading

August is boring, hot.

I recognize that this is a bit premature, but given the current climate I feel that at some point I should address exactly how little I enjoy how stinking hot and muggy it is outside. I hate it. As a generally sweaty person, I have consistently found myself drenched in sweat every time I brave the outdoors for more than 10 minutes at a time. It’s exceedingly unpleasant and I know it’s only going to get worse because August is right around the corner.

Continue reading