I think I figured out how to raise any downtrodden celebrity’s self esteem

With Amy Winehouse’s recent death I’ve noticed a trend among people in general. After a celebrity dies young some maliciously minded people will crack jokes in poor taste, some people with perspective on the situation will crack more appropriate jokes, and some people will react poorly to both of those kinds of people and declare them the scum of the earth for mocking the dead. The same thing happened with Ryan Dunn a few months ago, and I’m sure the same thing will happen when Lindsay Lohan inevitably wastes the rest of the goodwill she has left from Mean Girls and gets stabbed by someone who’s tired of her wasting what little money california has left with her nonsense. But anyway, why not use this to celebrities advantage? The outpouring of love and support for dead celebrities is absurd when compared to the way they led their life. So here you go, celebrities who are in the process of falling or have completely fallen out of the spotlight, I have a solution.

Step 1: Find a high traffic celebrity based blog. Any will do. Admittedly I’d prefer if you didn’t use Perez Hilton because that dude just might be the antichrist.

Step 2: Report your death to that site. Make sure that you die in a way that will generate a solid debate about whether or not you brought it on yourself (Just die from drugs, they seem to be the most polarizing way)

Step 3: Make sure that as many of the reports of your death as possible include jokes in poor taste. (like “Gary Busey died today, the last time he was seen he was reported as saying “This is the first time in a long time I’ve been afraid of drugs, but with Amy Winehouse gone someone has to do all of them”)

Step 4: Wait. Preferably in your house so you aren’t wandering around while the internet is abuzz with news of your death. People will flock to your defense or to your fresh (inaccurate) corpse to make jokes because they’re bad people. Regardless, you gain attention, which is all you really need in this world as a celebrity. Attention breeds success.

Step 5: Correct the mistaken reports in a way that suggests that you’re hurt and offended by the rumors of your demise. (Look up Bill Cosby’s response to the rumors of his death. At this point that guy is essentially a professional death denier <–Thats a weird looking word)

Step 6: Enjoy the massive influx of movie roles, public appearances, and fragrance lines.

If you have any interest in reading a less satirical and considerably more touching analysis of Amy Winehouse's death, check out Russell Brand's blog, it is a touching tribute to the woman he knew and loved coupled with a realistic analysis of drug addiction, and I think more people should read it: http://www.russellbrand.tv/2011/07/for-amy/


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